Inside Man

I just watched inside man , and it starts with Chiyan Chiyan ... Insane loved it .. a hollywood movie with a start .. like that just hit the nail on the head which I was telling some one just today it's time to go back .. it's the time that that country is booming .. everything is there ...

And then I tried to download the song and I didn't find it and Found.... Umrao Dil Cheeze Hai Kya .... What a song .. what a truth of life ... !!!! anyway I am not in mood to write .. I smashed my paper and I watched two movies in the evening .. saw a very productive patient .. these are the days I love ...

So .. just going to go to bed .. hopefully tomm.. will be just like this .. or maybe better .. !!!

This lonely game we play !

I came back home .... went to chisco's birthday, it was a year exactly from last year that we were sitting together at this time in his room and talking about life in general. Today the whole of last year passed through my mind... my europe trip... my trip to delhi and then me coming back to boston in Jan ... only another 7 months to go to get the DMD attached to my name... one more credential on my name ... three more letter's don't know how many more i'll attach may be none may be a few.... but what's more important is when i was chisco all i could think about was the time's he would walk into my room see me on the comp studying at 4-5-6 at night it's weird I don't do that anymore ..... those days were awesome .... getting to know people is one of the nicest part of life and I know I can be anywhere in the world i know that i have a home where ever he is ... he's my elder brother the one whose always made me smile ... even in my deepest moments .. when I wouldn't want to walk out of the house I was literally dragged out ... when i wouldn't want to eat i was made to stuff the food down my throat ... and today i am literally in the same boat again though chisco ain't here he call's me every morning .. and every evening to ask me if i've eaten ... THAT"S A TRUE FRIEND A TRUE BROTHER NOT BY BLOOD BUT BY LOVE .....

I think today the story of the parrot for me is apparent again .......

Monday Afternoon

It's 4 pm and I just finished yet another lecture, I have allot of studying to do exams on thursday, don't even feel like opening the book... It's Oral Surgery .. Do I need to study ! yes .. Do I think I need to study, Hell no... That's my baby subject.....

So I thought I should do something else.... It was a really boring Diwali missed home so so much that I ended up making a fool of myself.... Called my cuz 100 times I know he thinks I am mad ... Called Sahil like another hundered times... everyone was out doing there own thing ... I was just sitting and thinking how nice it would be to be in Delhi for various reason's...

People I wanted to be with ... Friends I wanted to hang with... Some very special to me some not so special but they are still the people I have grown up with...

It's like I am neither completely here nor there .. I don't know where I belong maybe in the sky , in it's vast expanses, Under the shadow's of the clouds that are holding the rays of the sun from getting to me ... The thought's are weird .. thoughts of going back arise everyday reach a peak and then I have to tell myself I am here for a purpose... what that purpose is I know whether it's worth the sacrifice I have to make for it, I don't know....

Zara Nazar utha ke dekho
Bethe hain hum Yehin
Bekhabar hum sai kyoon ho
Itne bure bhi ham nahin...

Mehephilian Ayin or Gayin
Log aye or gaya
Tum jo aaj aye ho
Dil mein ho bas gaye

Muskura Ke baat Talon na
Phir miloge Jo kahin
Dekhna yahi kaho ge
Itne bure thae hum nahin

12:15 AM

Don't remember the last time I was awake this late ! It's been a while I had forgotten what it was like to be awake this late ! ( this late hahah ) It's such a change of life style I sleep on time i wake up super early like an old man .....

Diwali .... a festival of joy .. light ...which is suppose to remove the darkness.... of every form ... thinking about diwali I think of school days I remeber those bijli bombs I would burst in my hand .. what happened to me .. I would take it light it and then throw it without worrying ... I guess from being the chilled person I became the most paranoid person ... I would never do that now cause my hands are everything right what's a dentist without hands going to do right :) that's the thing which is weird I just want to make it go back to the summer of 99 ' school had just gotten over and I was waiting to get into college ... didn't happen so I spent diwali at home and I remember there was a party in my house and as usual everyone was drunk and I was standing there watching them make a clown out of themselves.....

The next diwali was spent with patu and joy and I can still picture them in my room getting drunk ... went to drop them home after my dad walked in and told them to basically leave at like 2 .. patu falling done the stairs of my house without slipper's , joy walking behind him with his finger on his lips saying Shhhhhhh .... ( bawa ofcourse was with the surdy clan ) ... so we go to drop joy and patu to joys house cause patu is in no state of going home .. and srishti and i laughing ... and trying to control the two clowns .... Joy suddenly started crying about doma ... ( the dogis ) ... it was just a very very stupid.....

The next few diwali's were calm just with family playing cards and all that jazz... nothing big .. and this is my second year being away from home ... last year i went to a temple for diwali .. cause there was no pooja at home .. no pooja at the clinic ... it was me here alone .. so I went and prayed for things in life to get better and better.. !!!

This year I think i'll just pray in my mind for one thing ....

Today

Come 18th October everything has changed.



Sabh kuch sikha hamne
Na Sikhi hoshiyari
Sach hai duniya walon

Ke hum hai anadi....

I had a long long day , it was super irritating .. and yeah I am complaining again I worked up a full case and I was told to refer it to postdoc... why .. Cause it's not under the scope of predoc... dude.. I have been in the feild for longer than your postdoc students.. just say you don't want to let us handle it cause ur damn school doesn't have any patients and there is a darn dirth of facilities....

Anyway except school it was a beautiful day, I had a nice coffee sat on Newbury street and watched the people shop it was 60 F which was nice after a week of being in the 30's the weather changed the sun came out, I felt like I was alive again, sat there and thought to myself... how a smile is a also seen with diff. eyes in a diff way , every person I look at my eyes go to the teeth , so I am sitting there and whenever some one smile's I think well we could do this to settle the smile .. it's like the ideal paradigm ... looking for that perfection in a smile ... looking for the perfection in all small things in life... whether they be a mm. in dimention or my life in general it's all about getting to be that perfect person it's a striving to being a better human being whether it take's me years to achive it ... i really want to .. i really want to be a good human being.

If someone was to ask me would I want to die a rich man .. I wouldn't .. I'd rather die a good man.

Kya woh koyi jo .. dusre ko kushi nah de saka , jo dusre ki kushi mein has saka , jo apni kushi nah bant sake !

Sach hi toh hai .. I am not worldly wise but u know what I don't care... cause I am true to myself and I know that it's more imp to me than to be sitting and being calculative about things.....

life only comes once i don't belive in re incarnations.. so i think what i will do in this life will pay me bck in this very life ...Karma right ... eg... as a child i remeber just wacking some's stupid pencil like some one had left it in the school desk and i kept it .. and i lost like my favourite pen since then i started beliving in this concept.. and it works... think about moment's in ur life and u'll come up with reason's

kaphi blog ho gaya i guess i am done for a while something more productive like reading !

Evenings

Every evening when I sit in my room there are so many thoughts that cross my head so much i want to say so badly I want to talk.... I don't know where to go I don't know what to do... It's all a little hazy .. there is a fog over my eye's.... I want it to clear....

Interesting events :

1) I always look at the orion every night it some how gives me the strength .. the orion ... as in the constellation .. it's the body of a warrior.. the story is the night's I see it I think that god is with me and the night's I don't are not going to be good ... it's been almost one and half years since i have looked at this .. it's a winter constelation but for the past year and a half i have been in a city where it's perpetually winter :)

2) I don't know why but I have been feeling diff ... so I try to keep myself busy everyday try to become busier just doesn't happen as soon as it hit's 9:30 in the night I feel like sleeping these days.... there are people calling to say let's go out and I like a chu chu want to go to sleep ! :)


3) Last night I made a decision .. i am going back to india for a bit once i finish .. may be 2 months may be 5 may be a year .. but i am heading back . it's time for me to come back and see where i can create my mark there or whether i can ... i'm confidant it will work well though i will come back and do a speciality some other time ... I will go for my interviews though .. :) those are important to me .. but basically i need to take a break from studying and from everything around me .. !

Meri Manzil

"As i let you go
Touch me
and i will follow
In your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As i let you go
I will find my way
I will sacrifice"


Here I am i just spoke to my mom for over one and half hours... tears in my eyes to hear the things you hear when ur mom gives you all her love... When she makes u feel like you were the only thing in this world she lived for... to see you in this state hurt's her ... to see you cry hurt's her to see you stressed worries her... she's ready to come all the way across the globe just for you to smile !

Life is a funny game a very funny game you have to loose something to gain something.... water stagnates when there is mud .... it flow's when there is none .... you can't have the cake and eat it ... you can't asses how over rated things are till you've not been through them ... there are so many small things....

I saw a man cross the road today he had no leg's and I complain about my shoes, I saw a boy 18 years old with his face cut open and i complain about the cut in my finger....

I have to stop ... I know who I am.. I know what I am and I am proud of who I am .. I have no regrets ... I have an open book layed down for the world to read.... Inshallah there is a truth ..... Today I be damned if I have lied..........kuch pane ke liye kuch khona padhta hai ! Kho liya aur pa bhi liya sabh kuch kar liye ... aab tak jo karna tha 24 salon mein woh toh mein ne kar liya ... aab rasta ajeeb hai manzil dur nahin par roshni dikh rahi hai , kis disha mein le jayegi yeh nah mujhe malum hai nah tujhe... par har us ek pal ki koshi mein jina hai... roshni ki har kiran ko dekh kar sochna hai ke mein ek aur pal aaj zingda hun , kush hun aur yeh pal phir aye nah aye agla pal iis se bas ek katra sunder hi ho ga , jab zameer saph ho aur sachi rah ho toh asma bhi pas hi lagta hai chahey meri manzil asma ho !

I am no saint... but I will get there one day ... The sadhoo Aman !! right ...

Story of Life

I just got back from clinics and I realised I wanted to write something, it's very rarely that I feel like reading or writing I guess today is just one of those time's.

Life revolves around the concept of the heart beating, and the brain fucntioning. But when you don't follow your emotions, when you start to find reason's in everything in life to point a finger towards then what's the point. I have been complaing about school to everyone I know, but then again it's up to me to realise that I am lucky to be here be it intelligence or luck it's still lucky to be exposed to the amrican way. So today onwards I decided no more being pessimistic about it .. i will smile and just be happy about the school i am @

There is the story of the parrot's which i wrote one day and now i don't know where it is , but life is just like the story of the parrot, you hope and u pray for things to happen and u wait for things to happen but there is a moment in time where your heart and your mind think alike. Mine don't my mind say's something and my heart something totally diffirent.

Eg : today i had a patient he wanted to get 6 crowns for his front teeth to make them look white ... now my requirment's require only 7 teeth so basically i could do the whole 6 crowns in this one guy he wanted it .. but he was 25 and my heart was like u know what that's just wrong at 25 you are going to cut all the teeth just to finish your requirments and cause the patient wants it ... if u can't do good for the patient atleast don't do something which is bad ... yeah it would make him look awesome once finished but it's something not right .. so i said to him i was like if u ask me from my heart i think at 25 i would never do that to myself the rest is ofcourse ur decision. As u like if u want to do that i will not be geting u assigned to me and u know what he's like forget it maybe u are right ... i shouldn't get carried away .. my mind told me do it .. damn it .. thats it ... your set .. but couldn't

So i realised today that the heart is much stronger than the mind .. but sometime's you just have to kill all heart felt desire's to hope and pray for a better tomm. Also i realised something my dad once told me . " honesty and sincerity are two qualities that don't go out of fashion you may be slow in achiving things in life whether it be relationship's, money , fame etc.. but something done honestly and sincerly always stands out at the end". Whenever I think of what he has said to me i think to myself it's right how can people not see something like that .. everyone is not blind .. people in the world realise when they are being loved , similarly every one realises the diff betweeen someone honest and some one Dis honest.... it's something about perceptions...

There are various types of people I guess in most thing's i am just an optimist ... there are time's when I might be silly interms of the level of my optomism .. but tell me if life was to be lead that tomm will not be pretty then what's the point of living .. I might not wake up tomm and if that day does come I want to be happy ....

Damn I wish I could listen to people ...I wish I had listened when I should have ... But I didn't so I kept following my heart not my mind ... and that's just me right ... there are no thought out games there are no thought out plans .. it's just living for the moment ... it's not like I don't think of the future the worst part about me is that I think even though living in the moment .. try to precure my future ... but how how can u do that..... ? you can't it doesn't make sense right .... that's just me .. thats why i say ... irrational ... the heart ! instinct not the mind ..... ( technically heart has nothing to do with it right ... it's just a pump for the blood :) )




Don't want to write anymore

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sights,
As your live flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies, only time?
Who can say when the roads meet, That love might be ,in your heart?

and who can say when the day sleeps, and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart.....

who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?
Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time